A number of my coaching clients are dealing with unreasonable women bosses who are just plain bullies in business.
Most of the women I know have dealt with a nasty woman at some point in time or another. I’ve known some doozies myself.
I’ve dealt with a variety of women bullies. There’s always one woman in my corporate consulting clients who is insecure. That’s the one who will come at my back.
I’m lucky. I don’t work for these bullies. I can ignore them, walk away and just keep going.
My coaching client’s and other women can’t do that. They’re stuck dealing with whatever nastiness these bullies in business dish out. Because they are their bosses.
The Inside Scoop on Women Bullies in Business
So what can you do? How do you handle the situation with your boss?
There’s no easy answer to women bullies in business. Every situation and person is different. But there are some things you can shift to help cope with the situation for yourself.
First, here are a few baseline things you need to know about women bullies. Probably bullies of both sexes, but I’m focused on women.
1. They are insecure. Every bully is insecure. That’s a given. They bully to overcome their own self-perceived lack of skills, worthiness, expertise, whatever. Which means if you’re really good at what you do, you’ll be a threat. When threatened, insecure people trigger into attack mode. And the bullying begins.
2. They aren’t logical. Don’t expect a bully to be logical, They’re in a mindset of Fight or Flight, specifically in fight mode. Which means their conscious mind is no longer in control. so don’t expect logic and common sense to prevail with them. Not even.
3. They’re going for your emotional jugular. Yep, women bullies are like that. More so than men in my personal experience. They want you off your game, lacking confidence, questioning your expertise and sanity. That’s how they can take you down. When you’re questioning yourself. Plus they understand the insecurities and limited programming in women. So they go for it.
Knowing the above may not seem helpful, yet. But you need to understand what’s reality on the other side of the desk.
How to Handle Yourself with Bullies in Business
Here are some of the things I do when I’m dealing with a bully. Most of it is about how I control my own thinking and reactions to the bully. After all, you can’t change that bully. You can only change your reactions.
1. Stop trying to figure them out. One of the first things we do is to immediately try to understand the bully. What’s going on with her. Why is she doing this?
You’re wasting your time and energy. You’ll never find the right answer. All you’ll do is make yourself feel more inadequate since you can’t find the understanding.
Every person on this planet has their own brain programming that drives their thinking and behaviors. Based on their entire life. you can’t possibly understand what’s driving her, you can only assume based on your programming. So STOP wasting the energy.
2. Focus on yourself. The only thing you can control in the bully equation is yourself. Your responses, your thoughts, your behaviors. So focus on getting in control of your own responses and thinking so you can be on solid ground.
Women bullies are adept at making other women feel inadequate and unsure. They shake our confidence to step into control over us. That’s how they win.
Your first job is to focus all of your attention on you. Pay attention to your responses, your thinking, that sinking feeling in the pit of your gut when you have to go meet with said bully.
3. Find your power. Now that you’re focused on yourself, use this technique.
- Think back to a time when you were confident and sure of yourself. When you knew you could do anything, or at least your job, very well. Find that time and focus your attention there.
- Create a picture in your mind of that time. Make it as real as if you were back there, right now. Stand in the picture and notice every single detail around you. The colors, the clarity, the brightness, any movements.
- Now, feel how powerful you were at that moment. Confident. Sure of yourself. Able to take on anything the world throws at you. Fill that picture (and yourself) with those feelings until they are overflowing. Til you feel like you could bust you’re so confident. LIVE in that moment.
Now that you have that power place, start to use it. Get into the habit of going to that picture, to that power as often as you can. Until you can go there and feel all of that power in an instant. Tell yourself repeatedly, “This is my truth.”
Whenever you are going to interact with your bully boss, first, go to that place. Step into your power and confidence, breathe it in and tell yourself, “This is my truth,”
As you’re interacting, if you feel a twinge of fear or begin to question yourself, go back to that place in your mind. PAUSE and go there. Take control of yourself and focus on your truth and your power. Keep repeating, “This is my truth.”
The above exercise will begin to reprogram your unconscious mind, upgrading the imprint the bully has already made, reestablishing your power, confidence and self assurance.
4. Draw your boundaries. Now, get ready to stand up for yourself. No one deserves to be bullied, especially you. Find your power, step into it and then begin to draw boundaries to stand up for what’s right.
That doesn’t mean charging in and starting a fight. You cannot win a fight. With anyone.
What it does mean is to stand up for what’s right for you. When your boss asks for something unreasonable, stop, breathe in your power and draw the line. Have a conversation about what’s reasonable to expect. Use data and facts, not emotional reactions. Negotiate with the idea that you and your boss both need to WIN. There is no competition here, you’re on the same side…what’s best for your business.
When your boss is rude and disrespectful, call her on it. Privately. Do not make an emotional plea. Go to your power place and speak from confidence, integrity and logic. Sure, you can talk about how the disrespect made you feel. Then make a positive suggestion on how to handle such situations in the future. Stick to your guns, stay logical and be professional.
The same goes for anything else your boss might say or do that’s bullying. You know, those nasty little asides that you usually feel you have to laugh about? Stop accepting it! Nip it in the bud when it happens. Stand up for your self in a logical and gracious way. Do not take the BS and then go home and grouse and lose your confidence. That’s how the cycle starts.
The Bottom Line
You’ll never figure out a bully so stop trying.
Instead, focus on understanding yourself and controlling your response to said bully.
Always remember this. Bullies win because they get under your skin. Because they can sense the shift in your confidence, your hesitation. That’s when they go for the jugular. Again and again and again.
So focus on yourself, stay in your logical place, stand up for what’s true. Most bullies will back down in the face of someone who is logical and has the confidence to draw their boundaries. if they’re a sociopathic bully, they will simply continue to spin the story to whatever they need to say to put you down.
If your bully boss doesn’t change when you are logical, confident and on your toes, then you need to make a change. chances are they are a sociopath and that is a whole other ballgame. You need to run and run fast! It’s not the only job and company in the world, and you are more important than any job.
The stress of a bully boss will kill you faster than lead poisoning from a bullet. More importantly, you will NEVER win. You’ll only sap your energy, imprint insecurity in your mind and send yourself into a crisis that permeates your entire life.
I’m here to tell you, you deserve better than that.
How do you deal with women bullies in business? I’d love to hear your suggestions. We all would!
