I’ve spent most of my life avoiding self promotion. Even the thought of going “out there” and thumping my chest makes me nauseous. Which is why I’d rather kiss a frog. Maybe the frog will be a sales and marketing gooroo who can do all the self promotion for me. Or he’ll be a wealthy prince who can take me away from the need for self promotion. Hope springs eternal!
Seriously, my challenge with self-promotion has been an interesting journey, to say the least. What’s really funny is that I will promote a client or friend shamelessly. Myself? Find me a frog please.
I was the only woman in the room for most of my business career. Working with venture capitalists and boards, executive teams and investment bankers. All were dominated by men when I began my career. Over time, a few women appeared here and there, but the room was still mostly testosterone. I learned how to survive in that world, even thought I was thriving. Isn’t it amazing what you can get yourself to believe?
The reality was that for decades I worked for less money than my male counterparts. I also worked 200% of their hours. Delivered 300% of their results. And was still paid 50% or less of their fees. Usually way less.
Back in the day, that’s just how the world worked. As time passed, not much changed. Including my fees. Which I now realize was totally due to my acceptance of the situation.
Denial and the River of Acceptance
Sure, I was the girl they all went to when there was a problem, a certain kind of mess to be fixed. Or a project to complete in record time. You know, the one that hadn’t even been started?
I was proud that they gave those ugly projects to me. Proud to be the girl they went to, when no guy would touch those messes. I didn’t need self-promotion, I was special. Well, I was special, just not necessarily in a healthy way for myself.
Today, I know better.
They weren’t complimenting me by giving me the companies that were already on life support, the products that needed massive overhauls. They were giving me these projects because they knew I’d throw myself into them 200% and I would make things happen. Plus, they could pay me way less than any man.
Lack of self-promotion didn’t get me into this mess. I allowed it.
Instead of drawing my boundaries and standing up for what I was worth, I fooled myself into believing I was being rewarded… with nothing but ugly work. The impossible work. The work no one else would touch. I laugh now thinking how proud I was. Of working 100 hour weeks, damned near killing myself as the boys did their normal 9-5. For almost two decades I threw myself into those projects, barely had a life, was a stressed out basket case and made less than 50% of the 9-5 guys.
Talk about rationalization and denial.
Women are programmed with the Modesty Syndrome. We also have brains that are hard-wired to focus on nurturing others, promoting and supporting them, not ourselves.
Which means we need to consciously shift our beliefs and focus when it comes to self-promotion.
Learning to Value Myself
Learning self promotion wasn’t about chest thumping or pointing out what I’d done. They knew all of that. It was right in their faces.
Before I even got to the self promotion phase, I needed to learn to draw my boundaries, to stick up for myself and not let others take advantage of me. To know my own worth and protect it. To value myself and to match my actions to that value, no matter what.
So many of we women have the same opportunity to draw our lines, to establish and protect our boundaries. To stand up for ourselves and our worth. That’s the first step toward self promotion. Simply valuing ourselves.
I focus on my boundaries a lot these days. It’s been quite the lesson learning to stand up for them. I continue to be shocked at how much I resist standing up for myself. I can thank my childhood programming for that. Gotta love a southern mama and a sadistic dad, right?
The Bottom Line
When I finally began drawing my boundaries, asking for what I was worth, putting my own sanity and value ahead of the lure of being “loved” by them, life got better. WAY better. Most importantly, I felt better about my self. Because finally I was the priority in my life. Not those damned insane totally impossible hero projects.
I had nothing to prove to anyone. I didn’t have to sacrifice myself to be “ok” with them. That simple shift in my mind shifted all the behaviors. Including theirs.
I’m still a work in progress on that front. It simply goes against my very being to chest-thump. Others do it so easily. So much for my little southern-girl self.
I’d love to hear your ideas for self promotion. I’m eager to learn!
Let’s face it, I deserve better than that frog.
Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net and BJWOK
